Well, I wasn't too hung over from the $8 arena beers, and luckily not too broke either. BF bought most of them since I payed for the tickets. Our initial seats were pretty crappy nosebleeds, but we quickly scoped out and moved to some empty seats down low, and enjoyed the rest of the game. The Preds didn't play all that well. We won in an overtime shootout. The Blues have lost to the Predators 12 straight times now. OK, enough about hockey.
I'm sitting here at my desk, bored off my ass. The holidays have left me with little work. I suppose its a good thing, considering how crazy my job usually is this time of the month. I should probably just enjoy it while I can. In my boredom I was googling various things/people. I did a search on a boy I used to really like (maybe even love), named Joel.
Joel and I worked and hung out together a good bit when I was in college. I haven't seen or talked to him in many years. I actually moved away without even saying goodbye. I came across where he just bought a house not far from where I lived in Knoxville. I did a bit more searching and found the address and phone number. I'm very tempted to contact him, but I'm afraid it would be too awkward. I don't even know what I'd say.
A little background on Joel.... I first met Joel when he applied for a job at the restaurant I was working. I was a 21 year old cook, he was an under qualified 15 year old, so he was hired as a dishwasher. He was a little punk-ass skater/thug wannabe, I was a typical dope smoking on again/off again college student that just worked so I could afford tickets to the next Grateful Dead show. Needless to say, Joel and I didn't really have much in common aside from getting high. Several months later the guy who worked with me on the line moved on to better things, and my boss thought it would be a good idea for me to train Joel (now 16) as my new assistant in the kitchen. So, not having much of a choice I was forced to work side by side with this kid. It didn't take long until we started to get to know each other better. We worked the late late shift so we had plenty of time to hang out and talk. Joel had a hard time of it growing up. He was definitely not a child of privilege. Turns out that he had dropped out of high school to work and help his mom pay the bills. I found it nice that behind his "tough ass, don't fuck with me" facade was a very warm, caring, and vulnerable guy. Whenever he would share something personal about his life, I would always have to promise that I wouldn't say anything to anyone. It was cute.
Joel never could afford a car, so I would always take him home after work. One night on the way home we were waiting at a stoplight. Joel turned to me and said, "Will...if you were gay, I really wouldn't care, it wouldn't bother me." I was stunned. I didn't know what to say at first. You see, I was very deep in the closet at the time. "How could he know?", I thought in my head. I swallowed hard and said, "Well, that's good. Why would you think that, though?" Turns out this girl at work who used to like me, but i refused all her advances, made some comic jab at me and called me gay. I told Joel, "Oh, that bitch calls everyone gay." I didn't confirm or deny the accusation. He never mentioned it again.
Life continued in the closet for me. Joel would continue to share things with me that he would never tell anyone else. I would jokingly refer to myself as his therapist. After a few months, Joel got fired. I was devastated. No more late night drives home. Joel would still come by my house and hang out, but due to conflicting work schedules our visits became fewer and fewer. It came to a point where we would only see each other on rare occasion. Strangely enough, toward the end, Joel would always greet me with a hug. Still so in the closet, i never had the courage to ask him if he was gay. Probably the best, because if he had said yes, I would have jumped his under-age bones on the spot. Anyway, the last time I saw him, he had finally bought a car. He was so proud and came to my work to show me. I was so happy for him. I remember the parting hug lasted a little longer than normal. I just wanted to hold him forever. He was now 18 and legal tender, but I still tried nothing. Three weeks later, I was loading up the moving van, and heading to Nashville, never to see or speak to Joel again. If I have one regret in life, it's that I waited way too long to come out. I still think of him often.
So, here I am pondering if I should send him a letter. No way, I would just call him out of the blue. I think writing would be better. Maybe just send an anonymous letter telling him to email me. My luck would be that he doesn't have a computer. Maybe I'm just crazy and holding on to feelings that I should have lost a long time ago. Perhaps I should just leave well enough alone.
Anyway, that's the Joel story, so if I mention him in future posts, you'll know who I'm talkin about.
I'm sitting here at my desk, bored off my ass. The holidays have left me with little work. I suppose its a good thing, considering how crazy my job usually is this time of the month. I should probably just enjoy it while I can. In my boredom I was googling various things/people. I did a search on a boy I used to really like (maybe even love), named Joel.
Joel and I worked and hung out together a good bit when I was in college. I haven't seen or talked to him in many years. I actually moved away without even saying goodbye. I came across where he just bought a house not far from where I lived in Knoxville. I did a bit more searching and found the address and phone number. I'm very tempted to contact him, but I'm afraid it would be too awkward. I don't even know what I'd say.
A little background on Joel.... I first met Joel when he applied for a job at the restaurant I was working. I was a 21 year old cook, he was an under qualified 15 year old, so he was hired as a dishwasher. He was a little punk-ass skater/thug wannabe, I was a typical dope smoking on again/off again college student that just worked so I could afford tickets to the next Grateful Dead show. Needless to say, Joel and I didn't really have much in common aside from getting high. Several months later the guy who worked with me on the line moved on to better things, and my boss thought it would be a good idea for me to train Joel (now 16) as my new assistant in the kitchen. So, not having much of a choice I was forced to work side by side with this kid. It didn't take long until we started to get to know each other better. We worked the late late shift so we had plenty of time to hang out and talk. Joel had a hard time of it growing up. He was definitely not a child of privilege. Turns out that he had dropped out of high school to work and help his mom pay the bills. I found it nice that behind his "tough ass, don't fuck with me" facade was a very warm, caring, and vulnerable guy. Whenever he would share something personal about his life, I would always have to promise that I wouldn't say anything to anyone. It was cute.
Joel never could afford a car, so I would always take him home after work. One night on the way home we were waiting at a stoplight. Joel turned to me and said, "Will...if you were gay, I really wouldn't care, it wouldn't bother me." I was stunned. I didn't know what to say at first. You see, I was very deep in the closet at the time. "How could he know?", I thought in my head. I swallowed hard and said, "Well, that's good. Why would you think that, though?" Turns out this girl at work who used to like me, but i refused all her advances, made some comic jab at me and called me gay. I told Joel, "Oh, that bitch calls everyone gay." I didn't confirm or deny the accusation. He never mentioned it again.
Life continued in the closet for me. Joel would continue to share things with me that he would never tell anyone else. I would jokingly refer to myself as his therapist. After a few months, Joel got fired. I was devastated. No more late night drives home. Joel would still come by my house and hang out, but due to conflicting work schedules our visits became fewer and fewer. It came to a point where we would only see each other on rare occasion. Strangely enough, toward the end, Joel would always greet me with a hug. Still so in the closet, i never had the courage to ask him if he was gay. Probably the best, because if he had said yes, I would have jumped his under-age bones on the spot. Anyway, the last time I saw him, he had finally bought a car. He was so proud and came to my work to show me. I was so happy for him. I remember the parting hug lasted a little longer than normal. I just wanted to hold him forever. He was now 18 and legal tender, but I still tried nothing. Three weeks later, I was loading up the moving van, and heading to Nashville, never to see or speak to Joel again. If I have one regret in life, it's that I waited way too long to come out. I still think of him often.
So, here I am pondering if I should send him a letter. No way, I would just call him out of the blue. I think writing would be better. Maybe just send an anonymous letter telling him to email me. My luck would be that he doesn't have a computer. Maybe I'm just crazy and holding on to feelings that I should have lost a long time ago. Perhaps I should just leave well enough alone.
Anyway, that's the Joel story, so if I mention him in future posts, you'll know who I'm talkin about.
1 comment:
Send him a letter. If he is living near by it could be a fun reunion! I say go for it. But that's just me.
Post a Comment